Where do you go from here?

---

What if just for a second nothing else mattered but yourself, this very moment, the sound of your breath, your inner peace, and whatever makes you happy? What if?

They say life is all about perspective. We see what we want to see, right? Well what if I told you whatever you see is really just a reflection of your inner world. And please, if the first thing going through your head is "Omg this thing that is happening to me is horrible. Does this mean I deserve it and I attracted it because my inner landscape is shitty?", please stop it right now. Here's a little life-changing ground rule I want to establish and you probably will hear me reiterate it throughout my posts. Ditch the polarity because polarity does not exist. Yeah, we learned a thing or two about it in science class but leave it there because I promise it's going to save you a lot of brain cells. Ok, ready? There is no such thing as good or bad. Positive or negative. It just is what it is as it is and it's either a full body fuck yes or a full body fuck no. So you don't deserve whatever terrible thing is happening to you and no you did not attract it because you're unworthy or a bad person. In these scenarios life is just throwing something at you (yes out of your control) but however you decide to look at it and handle it is completely up to you (totally within your control).

With that said, I'm sure many of you will resonate when I say "healing can get really fucking exhausting and hard. Like seriously universe how many more lessons do you want to shoot my way?" Here's what I've gathered about that. Life is not meant to be hard, per se. We just love over complicating ourselves with tedious bullshit that doesn't really matter. Not to downplay anything, but all this external shit that we're all after really doesn't mean anything especially if (yes I'm gonna say it) that interior landscape of ours does feel shitty, sad, and disconnected. For the longest time ever, I attached my worth to the happening of something. Graduating from a prestigious university, living in the penthouse, eating out only in fine dining restaurants, being in a relationship, and the list goes on. Why? Well, it all goes back to what annoying self-limiting beliefs decided to weave themselves into our psyche when we were innocent little children (for anyone who is interested, our mid-late teen years are also a tender age and can imprint us with something that shapes our life on an unconscious level), so you know what? I'm going to go with "when we were younger and perhaps more naïve". A personal snippet from my own life is that my parents argued a lot, like a lot. And there was always this post-argument dynamic of silent treatment before my dad would decide to break the ice and be the bigger person. And then things would be cute for a few days maybe weeks if I got lucky, and then it happened all over again. So a few things happened in little Mischa's head before older Mischa connected the dots and understood where all this bullshit came from: 1) Emotional security and consistency were just nonexistent so love felt untrustworthy and hence the reason why somehow I assumed that not having a peaceful, healthy love in my household probably meant that it was my fault and that I was unworthy of it. 2) I remember feeling guilty throughout my childhood and especially into my late teen years when my mom would always say that "I only put up with your dad for you". Fucked up, huh? 3) My mom always threatened to leave so I would always deem her as a the bad guy who not only caused the situations but also thought distance was a good idea of resolving them. So fast forward, me always freaking out in current day relationships associating emotional distance and disconnect with "oh shit, I'm not good enough. It's my fault. They're probably gonna leave me" or dealing with someone who embodies the avoidant dynamic of my mom. No bueno, either. 4) The final point which takes us back to the gist of this blog post is that due to this notion of unworthiness, I was under the impression that I had to do or own something fucking amazing in order to regain my lost worthiness.

Bottom line, we all have a story and stories within stories to unpack in order to get to know ourselves better and live a more authentic life. As I said before, healing is hard and not for the faint-hearted or for those so fogged up with ego that they think healing or growth is for crazy people. Honestly light and love to that crowd. But anyways, after being on this journey for almost 3 years, what I will say with conviction is that life becomes so much juicier and sexier when you commit to this soul-searching journey. Life begins to make sense. The little things and the mundane become beautiful. You begin to feel gratitude for those so-called "terrible experiences". You begin to live with so much more truth and alignment and somehow become this badass who is able to walk away from things that do not resonate with your truth and your values. You learn how to cut familial cords and not feel guilty. You learn how to feel excited about random things. You learn how to filter people and listen to your gut. You learn how to walk away from that toxic relationship no matter how much you love that dude. You just learn how to be grateful and life a more vibrant, exciting life.

And that is all that matters at the end of the day, sexy people. Doing the work is worth it because you're worth it. And life is worth it. And every single one of your dreams is worth it. And ultimately the sensation of loving and connecting to yourself and loving your own company is so fucking worth it. And experiencing deeper, vulnerable relationships is worth it. So where do you go from here? Well, if you're on this journey, I see you so keep going. You're doing fucking amazing. And if you're reading this but feel so scared to start or do anything remotely healing related, I see you too. Your inner voice is trying to steer you in the right direction. Go for it. It's gonna be so worth it.

I love you,

MS