The truth behind new beginnings

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There comes a time when life suddenly effortlessly makes sense. A time when the quest no longer feels like a never-ending arduous battle. A time when you really can tap into the art of doing nothing by actually doing nothing. So what is it that exactly happens? Where does one draw the line to finally accept and willingly receive change?

I’ve been through a lot. A lot. And this past year has truly felt like too much to handle. Too much to take in and process and feel and connect with and release and still have to show up as a normal functioning human being in society. Certain things throw us off track and then mildly redirect us back to a sense of self and gratitude and presence, and we can all agree to a certain extent that the basis of spirituality lies within that very redirection. The problem is when we become so disconnected from ourselves and from life that cultivating things like presence, trust, gratitude, love, and even awareness feels very impossible. And that’s exactly what this past year has felt like- an endless rut of fighting against life and every inch of its reality of discomfort because the truth is I had completely forgotten who the fuck I am.

They say that within the laws of life comes the (what one would think) inherent acceptance that nothing lasts forever and that everything ebbs and flows in constant cycles of change. That within these cycles also comes the acceptance that nothing is lost but rather transmuted into new, different energy and that everything that is conceptually lost is actually replaced by something better and more aligned. It’s hard to fully assimilate these foundational principles but the truth is that there really is no other way around life than to surrender to these basic building blocks. It’s easy to fight the reality of things we don’t want and instead desperately attach and cling onto what we think we want because any other way seems excruciatingly terrifying and unheard of. Because what we think we want is what gives us a sense of control, and not having control can feel like the epitome of havoc. Now, this is not to say that we should become closed off to deep connection or the pleasure of fully immersing ourselves in love and passion and enjoyment in the transience of presence just because of this knowing that nothing lasts. On the contrary, we are asked to precisely bask in this transient presence so much so that we wholeheartedly trust that we can forever perpetuate that very feeling in other moments, places, and with other people. It’s scary to snuggle up with these thoughts because one can argue what’s the point of giving it my all if there exists the slightest chance that it won’t last or that it may not turn out as expected? Well, would you rather live with the satisfaction of knowing that you gave something your all regardless of the outcome or live with the constant whispers of what if? I for one would pick the first option.

Here’s the thing about life- we never really know for certain what is to come and when it is to come but the only way to fully cultivate peace is to be okay with that. Take things as they are and do not try to change what already is because it already is. The process of grief, which is rather inevitable with change and loss, does come with a preconceived notion of being in denial. That’s normal. But ultimately there has to come a time when we do let go to make space for what is to come. And everything is at stake when we don’t know what is to come. We hold on to old beliefs, people, and even versions of ourselves that are plastered against a certain way of being or time in our lives because it’s so fucking familiar. Heck even I have done it, because again holding on equates to control even though we know that letting go is the right thing to do but man can it be the hardest and saddest thing to do.

I have come to learn after one too many breakdowns, flares of anxiety, moments of frustration and helplessness, anger, denial, and just plain out what the fuck moments that there truly is nothing more important that the relationship and love you have for and with yourself. It’s cliché but damn does it make a difference. The universe has a funny way of putting us in situations that scream the opposite of self-love just to knock some sense into us but we are still somehow controlled by whatever the fuck our subconscious thinks is familiar. I don’t have a clear cut answer just yet. I really don’t. But one thing I can say for sure is that the minute things don’t feel good in life, it’s a loud ass siren to redirect the energy on yourself and your own self-worth. And as excruciatingly painful and difficult it is to let go of things that we intuitively and logically know are bad for us, we must because that is the only way to break the cycle no matter how bad our heart wants it. No, I know what you’re thinking- is something wrong with me for finding myself in yet another toxic romantic relationship? No babe. Nothing is wrong with you. And I hate that someone else had to break your heart for you to remember how beautiful and lovable and worthy you are, but that’s the truth. These relationships and people are there to remind us there are still parts of us that need to be loved and held and nurtured and forgiven even deeper than we thought.

So welcome in the change even though it can feel like you’re losing yourself even more. Please don’t make the mistake I made of ignoring the obvious red flags and unconsciously attaching your worth to the success of a relationship that was never meant to work in the first place. There is nothing to prove. There is nothing to force. There is nothing, nothing you need to do because I promise you that yes even though the universe wanted to teach you like that again, there are always better, more genuine people out there who will understand you and give you what you need without having to overextend yourself. These situations and people do not define your worth. They are there to remind you how powerful and worthy you are to be okay without them because they are the ones who never deserved you.

Don’t settle. You’re too sexy for that bs.

I love you,

MS