Still trying to move on

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For a second, we forget how and why it all happened. Where did we possibly go wrong? How could someone throw away the love, the memories, the dreams, the laughter, the wild desires, and the passionate sex? You may even go as far as asking yourself if you’ll ever be able to love again. I know. I’ve been there, and for a second time I’ll just keep pouring out my heart on paper till I heal and till it doesn’t hurt so much anymore. So here’s to feeling the feels.

We’re stranded in an abyss of nothingness and an aching heart that is still trying to smile and love and appreciate the beauty of the blessings and people that were always here and that are here to stay. We’re trying to find meaning in life and ourselves again. We’re trying to heal the idea that maybe we just suck at love and maybe aren’t even destined to be in the fairytale relationship we’ve always dreamed of and know deep deep deep down inside that we deserve. We begin to question ourselves and what we’re doing wrong. You know how they say every ending is actually a new beginning? Well, this chapter was our new beginning together. Our new world. A part of us. A part of me and a part of you. A forever part of my story because you will forever have a place in my heart.

We never start something new thinking it won’t work out, but somewhere in the midst of it all we find ourselves unconsciously sabotaging what is by projecting a fear our own intuition was trying to share from the beginning. It’s familiar. It feels good. We’re vulnerable and we want to believe in true love again so we go for it, ignoring all odds and obvious logical signs that it actually won’t. A recipe for disaster? Maybe. But we go for it anyways. We, the supposedly aware bunch who already got their heart broken into pieces so fucking bad that they just want to convince themselves that it will never happen again, fall into it. And we fall real damn hard. We ignore everything that isn’t supposed to be and we fall into this fucking delusional intense love that makes us feel alive and loved and desired. It makes us feel this surreal connection that permeates every inch of our bodies and our souls. We begin to witness guards coming down and two scared hearts wanting to open up to each other and they do, which is why leaving becomes fucking impossible.

The sun sets and we try to accept that it’s another day not waking up by their side or making love to them- how it all just fizzled away in the blink of an eye. We continue going out into the real world trying to keep our shit together and hold ourselves from shattering entirely. We recommit to healing with a new perspective, and we try to fill in the gaps of this undesired absence with things we try to convince ourselves will bring us meaning, but the truth is nothing is going to make sense or remotely bring us any meaning or purpose in the beginning. So wallow in the misery. Wallow in the heartbreak. Wallow in their lingering scent and the taste of their lips and the sound of their laughter. Wallow in the flashback of all the good times because oh those godforsaken good times are the only things we remember and in turn, we ache even more. So feel the feels. Cry it out. But I promise things start falling into place again. You’ll slowly begin to realize that even though it feels like all that love you gave and poured and continued to give and pour went to waste, it was never your fault for loving or giving or forgiving or committing too much. And it was never their fault for not openly receiving that love because they never knew what love is in the first place. Love? Feeling so deeply and intensely and passionately and vulnerably? Yeah, I’m sure just like every other human being, they too crave it on some level, but they’ve never experienced it like that before, so they freak out and run, and in turn leave us with a broken aching heart with nowhere for our love to go. So now that we’re stranded with that love and their absence, we begin to realize that we still love them and probably always will. But as we go through the motions and flow with the waves of our emotions, we slowly begin to feel that glimmer of hope arise in other parts of our lives and that lost love begins transmuting into other beautiful connections and experiences. Inspiration, creativity, and self-confidence slowly begin coming back to us and now we begin to accept the abundance of possibility while tending to our healing heart. We go from thinking we failed at love to simply realizing that despite how much we loved, our worth was never and never will be defined by that person or relationship. It was just a part of our story and our unique individual path. We begin to realize that the only true failure would have been continuing to go against the grain to make a one-sided relationship work while allowing way less than we deserve. Because here’s the thing, we knew from day one and we had a clear ass understanding of our expectations and needs and boundaries, but the minute our heart got involved, we forgot what any of those standards meant. Oh love. Fuck you for being so beautiful yet blind at times.

We begin allowing the universe to show us all the fucking beauty and peace that existed all along far away from that relationship that burned our soul to the ground and we begin genuinely laughing and connecting with ourselves again. We notice that days can go by without thinking of this person or the pain they’ve caused. And then we begin allowing ourselves to explore what it feels like to feel again with another person, and that’s when you realize that not having that person or relationship in your life anymore is the best thing that could have happened to you. Because the second someone new makes you feel those things you had to exhaust yourself asking for from that person who claimed they loved you, you only then realize why it all had to happen. And those moments of loneliness you felt in the relationship when you desperately craved emotional intimacy are now replaced with nourishing friendships and outings and travel and creative outlets. And you are reminded of your beautiful light that other people effortlessly see and appreciate. And then you start interacting with people who you cannot stay quiet with and you remember how much more valuable life is laughing with people who bring out the best in you instead of that person who shut you and your beautiful heart down every single damn time. And then you start trusting other men to make love to you again and you remember the goddess you were all along when somebody new naturally exudes their masculinity and in turn allows you to be the beautiful vulnerable feminine you are. And then you begin to realize what may initially feel like wasted time doesn’t exist because time is relative to what you make of it, and now you understand that healing from it is better than actually having wasted more time in it. And then those moments you judged yourself for allowing the unacceptable behavior begin fading away into morsels of the past because you remember they never defined your worth and were instead a reflection of the other person all along. And then you begin to encounter new people who naturally are more considerate and gentle and you’re reminded there are true, good men out there. And those moments you had to ask for your basic emotional needs a hundred times finally start dissipating when you see that other men can be both soft and manly and give you both orgasmic pleasure and trail gentle kisses down your back without you having to say a word.

Life and all those pieces of your broken heart start falling into place and mending because life is an ongoing beautiful lesson and yes even that person and that relationship become reminders of gratitude and wisdom. And then when you least expect it, the tears of sadness turn into tears of joy. So please keep loving yourself. Feel every inch of it. Remember that at the end of the day, you will be your greatest and most unbreakable love story. Keep loving. Keep healing. Keep growing. Keep shining.

I love you,

MS