No more silencing yourself

---

If it ever feels like a part of you still needs to tick certain boxes to prove a point or preserve a status or reputation in an unwanted attempt to silence yourself, then stick around because I’m doing nothing remotely close to staying silent in this one.

Time tells a tale of societal norms and standards. A tale of predisposed expectations and gender-imposed roles. But what most people advocate for and some still fight against is that time also tells a tale of a world where we are free to create our own reality however the fuck we like it. It’s easier said than done. Believe me, I know. It’s taken years of learning how to shed dead skin and love myself with all the layers that have come bleeding out. It’s taken the strength to be told no a hundred times. It’s taken the strength to feel like a failure. To be defeated. To be heartbroken. To lose. To grieve. And it’s also taken the strength to breeze through life like a badass despite it all.

While some might feel inclined to perceive the simmering of this essay as an undertaking of a somewhat socio-economic opinion, it is actually far from that (just laying the grounds). This is merely an open conversation and emotional bypass of what many may feel tempted to rationalize, especially from someone who has been silenced and who has in turn, learned to silence herself.

We have been taught to chase certain life accomplishments and to fit certain roles to be deemed worthy and respectable. Even though I’m sure most parents believed that making sure their children fit a certain mold that they couldn’t slide into themselves was somehow looking out for their best interest. What they didn’t know is in putting all the pressure on us, they made us subconsciously believe love was conditional and that our worth now has to be tied to prestigious degrees, fancy cars, expensive shopping sprees, flying first class, fine dining meals, and going to five star beach clubs (at least as far as my story goes). Now the time comes to face reality and somehow figure out how to be an adult in a world we were not emotionally equipped for. We go through the motions having already formulated a false sense of identity from whatever it is we tied our worth to since childhood. Our sense of belonging has now become contingent on certain things and perhaps certain people showing up in certain ways, because what we don’t realize is that without these contingencies, we are bound to suffer.

We suffer because now it’s not about us anymore but rather about everything except us. We now become attuned to the next big thing. The next relationship that reinforces these now ingrained self- limiting beliefs about ourselves and who we are. Or at least who we think we are. Isn’t it crazy that an inherent human need subconsciously becomes overshadowed by everything and anything that has nothing to do with it? Let alone now having to show up to the world behind a mask just to feel something. And when we fall a speck short of that external sense of validation, we crash and burn because we genuinely don’t know any other way. Even if it remotely crossed our mind for it to be any other way, we’re most likely afraid to even articulate it beyond the confides of our own thoughts.

Unworthiness can be streamlined into a common denominator and ultimately all it does is find a way for it to keep resurfacing until we shed some light on it. Feeling unworthy makes us end up in relationships where no matter what, it literally feels like we’re never going to be loved or treated the way we deserve. Feeling unworthy makes us settle on breadcrumbs because we think better may be unattainable. Feeling unworthy can make us confide in the wrong people and open up too much. Feeling unworthy prevents us from speaking up when people overstep boundaries. Heck feeling unworthy makes us live a life boundary-less sometimes. Feeling unworthy makes us take the pain and do nothing about it. Feeling unworthy is precisely what makes us want to stay quiet despite how bad we want shout our soul to the rooftop.

You see, we all have a deep untold story. A story of many layers piled away with shame and guilt and fear. We unpack only what we think the world wants to hear because we’re so fucking terrified of speaking our truth. We’re terrified of what people are going to think but if we keep doing that, we are simply going to keep perpetuating the disconnect in this world we live in. Heartbreak can be one of the most shame-instigating experiences ever because with heartbreak, there can come an internal connotation of failure, and hence in feeling failure, we are reminded we are unworthy. But here’s what I’ve come to learn. The only existence of shame comes with the power we allow it to have. Yes, we may have made poor decisions and we may have forgiven undeserving people and we may have tolerated a lot of bullshit and we may have desperately tried to cling on to relationships beyond their expiration date hoping things would change. But that’s okay. Fucking up and making mistakes is part of  the human experience and we should never ever have to be ashamed of what we have lived or what has happened to us because those little incidents are exactly what give us the character to impart wisdom and be more authentic participants of society.

So the next time you feel like you have to be silenced just to protect an image or status quo, remember that there is nothing more liberating and beautiful than expressing your truth. We’re done succumbing to things just to be the good daughter, good sister, good partner, good employee, or good whoever. It takes a lot of courage to be fearless enough to own up to your story but it’s so rewarding down the line. Oh and disclaimer, people are bound to judge anyways so you might as well live a life that feels true to who you are. You’re worthy you sexy thing. Don’t ever forget that.

I love you,

MS