Grief

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Grief is a real bitch. It creeps up on us when we least expect it, and shakes our world upside down. They say that life itself is a constant metaphorical cycle of death and rebirth, but fuck it hits differently when things become more literal.

We live and we learn. We fall in love and our hearts get broken. Some people stay. Some people leave. Some are meant for a season. Some are meant for a lifetime. Some are meant to see you grow old. Some are meant to see your youth. Some will meet your children. Others will not. Some will be there to share every special moment with. And others will not. Yes, we get it. That’s life. And life is a fucking beautiful rollercoaster and never-ending spectrum of emotions. And it’s up to us to ride the wave of these emotions until we somehow fall into acceptance. Never fully forgetting, or moving on from, or fully impeccably healing from, but somehow learning to live with.

Well, it’s fucking hard. It’s really really hard, because the minute you think that you’re riding a never-ending wave of invincibility, boom the next emotion strikes and drags you all the way down with it. The minute the tiniest of space is created by something not feeling great in your current life situation, the notion of the absence of that person becomes the only molecule in the air you breathe in that given moment. And it becomes very heavy. The flashback of every single moment wires itself into a gushing tide of everything that was with the presence of this human being in your life. You begin to ask “why?”. “Why couldn’t have things been different?”. And that’s okay. It’s completely normal to find ourselves whirling in that internal conversational battle of wishing a magic wand could change about a hundred things. But it can’t and as hopeful and beautiful as that sounds, life just doesn’t work like that.

So I guess we’re asked to feel. But like feel every inch of our being sting with the upheaval of longing and loneliness and despair. The sadness of oh wait, I still feel like this because I miss this person and wish I could have them here to cry this moment away till I feel strong again. And it’s shitty and so unfair. I know. Because even if we’re sobbing over the passing of someone or simply grieving the ending of a relationship, we are burning the same core wound of that slithering feeling of the sudden absence of this person. And that is a shitty feeling regardless of the details. Yes, one might say but you are comparing two very drastic scenarios- one where you can see this person again and one where that is just physically impossible. I agree. But I am trying to really dive in deep into the subliminal emotional experience versus the actual unfolding of the facts.

So this person is longer a part of our daily routine. We are no longer able to hug them or have random conversations with them. We’re no longer able to wake up and cuddle them and make coffee for them and then make love and be silly. We’re no longer able to hear them say that they love us or are proud of us. They’re no longer there to cheer us up or cheer us on. They’re just no longer there. No longer immediately accessible. We no longer breathe the same air. And you know what’s even harder? When it's a toxic relationship that you knew you had to walk away from a really long time ago but never could because the problem was never an absence of love. I know what you’re thinking- if it was a toxic/abusive relationship, could that really have ever been classified as true love? Yes, another one I agree with, but at the time, we didn’t know the difference, and yes we probably were madly and deeply in love otherwise the moving on part would not be so difficult.

We shed attachments, routines, desires, unique interactions, pet names, inside jokes, funny moments, sad moments, angry moments, happy moments, romantic moments, stupid moments, and moments that made absolutely no sense. We shed it all away and now are forced against our own will to recreate ourselves and redefine our identity outside of having that person or relationship in our lives. There’s unspoken of beauty in that process that is nowhere to be found the minute it all happens and takes over, but the truth is every ending is a new beginning, and new beginnings are blessings in disguise. When we’re enveloped in the pain, it’s hard to see the bright side or even remotely tap into spirituality, but I can wholeheartedly say that nothing painful that happens, happens just to fuck with us. Painful experiences are meant to add character to our lives and shape us and force us down a new path- a path that we were probably too afraid to take before experiencing the loss. Because complacency means sticking to a sense of safety and a comfort zone and nothing monumental happens in our comfort zone. Just going with the motions and sticking to familiar routines that isn’t necessarily good or bad per se, but when life sees that we could be doing so much more than just that, it steps up and shakes our world upside down till we finally catch a glimpse of that message. And when time goes by and we start extracting gratitude and growth from the pain, it all finally starts to make sense. Everything that was broken into a million pieces finally starts falling into place. And that, that is where the magic happens.

I mean let’s be real for a second. I am not the same person I was before I was oblivious and incognizant of all these themes of spirituality and depth and healing and growth. I’m not the same person I was when I was in those toxic relationships. Heck I’m not the same person I was a year ago or a week ago. Every moment brings a different sensory experience and in turn no two stories are the same. No two breaths are the same. No two emotions are the same. This very blog post that you are reading came after a mini breakdown of longing and after alchemizing that pain and sadness into tears and words, I will not be the same person I am right now tomorrow. I will be a touch more healed because I allowed myself to feel and pour it all out. And if we could just step outside our lives and be observers even for a split second, we can come to realize that every instant is a constant motion of evolution and change on an external and internal level. The trick with all these teachings is to anchor ourselves back into our inner peace when the change becomes too hard to keep up with.

So cheers to change. Cheers to growth. Cheers to the tears of pain and sadness because all of them eventually end up turning into tears of joy. I promise.

I love you,

MS