Forgiveness- an imperfection

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Forgiveness is an imperfection. It’s charged with healing qualities and a jarring bolt of raw truth. A truth that states one must also look at their side of the road and honor self-forgiveness. Forgiveness for allowing, for tolerating, for enduring, for trusting, and for even forgiving in the first place.

There are so many layers and shades and depths of life that it sometimes literally feels like we’re dodging twenty dimensions in one day, in one instant. The power of connection to yourself and a higher power, whatever that looks like for you, really begins to seep into your soul like a newfound take on life. Like a shudder of utter surrender and acceptance to face reality and the reality behind the reality. The vivid dreams, the signs, the numbers, the intuitive nudges, the tears, the pain, the growth. Fuck. It’s a lot. It. Is. A. Lot. And it can be deeply saddening and daunting because acceptance means ripping off that band aid once and for all. Forgiveness is that type of process that comes in waves, and anything in resistance to it is more than likely tied to a fear, a defense mechanism, or that so-called ego of ours. We claim we want to forgive and release the energetic holds, but we are constantly reminded of the pain. We are reminded of the betrayal, the let downs, the lies, the manipulation, the mistreatment, the disrespect, the hurt, and the judgment they inflicted upon us. And in remembering that, we are constantly reminded of the anger and resentment we hold toward them. But you know what else all of this entails that we usually tend to ignore as an unconscious avoidance and protection against the truth? We know that in being reminded of all of this, we are also automatically prone to remembering that we allowed all of this to happen in the first place. But blaming soothes taking accountability of our own actions and defers the pain that one day we have to face or that is going to blow up in our face and pollute all of our soul.

So going back to the notion of many layers and depths- everything in life runs with a myriad of interpretations. Forgiveness is one of those multi-faceted, layered processes and even though one must acknowledge all the harbored resentment, fury, anger, and disappointment toward the other person, we must also allow the compass to gently fall back on ourselves and honor why this person was put into our life. We must take a deeper look and ask what truth is the pain this person is causing me trying to awaken inside of me? You see, triggers are all opportunities for healing and growth, and spirituality really is a simple formula, if you will. The steps and principles and doctrines are out there and readily accessible, but the knowing of having to really step into vulnerability and raw pain and honesty is what scares most of us away. We can continue blaming and move on to the next story, chapter, situation, or person in life and replicate a familiarity, or we can use the volcanic pain from the situation at hand as a way to cut ties and cords and get to know ourselves better to avoid perpetuating unproductive cycles for the sake of ourselves and for the sake of the collective humanity.

Forgiveness is scary. I know. Forgiveness equates genuinely moving past something and severing ties (at least all negative ones) completely with that person. Forgiveness may also come off as letting someone off the hook and diminishing the severity of what they did and how they made us feel. And here’s the truth, most of us just aren’t ready to move on fully and completely, and that’s okay. Just like with any other healing process, take your time, and don’t judge the trajectory of growth or compare it to past situations. The simple acknowledgement of wanting to forgive even though you’re not fully there yet mentally or emotionally is a great start.

Forgiveness can be a dark, scary abyss of the unknown. It’s like ripping out old versions of yourself, versions of yourself when you were with that person, moments, memories, tears of joy, tears of sadness, every unfulfilled dream and promise, and everything you thought could have been and should have been. It’s also scary as fuck because acknowledging that we have to also forgive ourselves for whatever reasons is almost like accepting we were at fault too and that can feel very demeaning and defeating to our ego, and the more hurt we are, the harder it becomes to get past our ego. Ego, anger, and resentment keep us safe. They sentence us to familiarity and conformity and ultimately that creates that feeling of “stuckness” that we sometimes find ourselves treading upon. The ego is a reflection of all our pain, sadness, hurt, and wounding that we keep ignoring and because we are so scared, the ego grows even more intense in an effort to protect the living shit out of us and makes sure we do absolutely nothing that goes against our nature or that requires emotional heavy lifting. The ego wants to keep us safe and that’s great, but in doing so, we are holding ourselves back from every other possibility that could emerge from taking risks and taking chances. But it takes courage, a lot of trust, and being able to say “not now, ego”.

In the book “Radical Acceptance”, Tara Brach speaks of this “trance of unworthiness” that is woven into mankind as a societal conditioning. She associates this trance of unworthiness with a sense of “self-deficiency”, and that is where I connect the dots and reinforce yet another reason why we prefer playing it small and safe. It’s like doing anything beyond that reminds us of some sort of subliminal “unworthiness”. Do I have a clear cut answer for attaining this oh so coveted life free from suffering and perpetual peace and acceptance and forgiveness? No. But I made a promise to keep showing up for myself every single day and even when it gets hard and annoying and sad and lonely. Because yes, I would much rather be angry than dive into more vulnerability and forgiveness and bla bla bla, but I know that my spiritual growth will thank me the more I lean into forgiveness and fight the resistance against it. The idea of a blank slate is terrifying and it feels like someone is ripping you of your essence and sentencing you to a tiny little hole where no one will see or understand you. This blank slate is the unknown and society is just attuned to playing it safe in avoidance of the unknown. I’m not saying go move across the globe or dye your hair pink, but I am inviting to at least explore the possibility of doing something wild and scary without judging yourself or losing yourself in an endless loop of what-ifs. I’m inviting you to maybe even reframe the fear and what-ifs into something new and fresh and exciting. I’m asking you to give yourself and humanity another chance. I’m asking you to refresh your connections and relationships with people without any expectations as to where it may lead.

Forgiveness is a simple invitation to choose to start again. To move past the pain. To be able to look that person in the eyes again with a sense of lightness and love and compassion. And most importantly, to cut yourself some slack and honor your process and grieve that older version of you that didn’t know any better…

I love you,

MS