Five hard truths about romantic love

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What does being fully healed even mean anyways? When and how does the heart fully mend, and if it doesn’t, does that mean you and that person are meant to be together despite it all?

When I have moments like this when I just let myself blurt it all out on paper, I remember that no two love stories are ever going to look or feel the same and that the truth is some heartbreaks are going to feel eternal and without a real start or finish line. So here is what I am coming to accept: you don’t need to pretend to feel okay if you don’t, especially if you feel like time is passing and your heart is still aching. Just like anything else in life, everything is a process and honestly the less you fixate on “getting over” someone and not having feelings for them, the easier the journey becomes. Even if it takes years for you to feel like your heart isn’t easily triggered anymore, so be it. Take your time to ride all these waves at your own pace because otherwise, fast forwarding it is going to make everything creep up on you for the rest of your life.

I honestly don’t even remember what inspired this piece, but here I am shedding some light for anyone going through it.

It may take long. Really long

Breakups are the equivalent of grieving the loss of a loved one and even though this may sound cynical (brownie points to anyone who caught the dark humor), nobody felt quickly okay over the “passing” of someone so please be gentle and patient with yourself. You are going to get slammed against barriers of emotion that sometimes feel bigger than life itself and just when you think you got your shit together and life is beautiful and dandy again, you’re going to feel gushes of anger toppling you over and throwing you all the way down to square one. The next thing you know the anger is going to turn into sadness and joy and longing and then the next day you’re going to feel empowered all over again like yesterday never even happened. So enjoy the ride because it will be bumpy. It will feel shitty. Then it will feel lighthearted and easy. And you’re going to go on a million roller coasters till everything feels normal again. You can actively choose to move on and accept the reality of what no longer currently is, but you can also still grieve it along the way.

The only real grudge is the one you hold against yourself

But they were such assholes. But they were so disrespectful. But I didn’t deserve this…

I know. You’re right. But if you’re here today it’s because they’re no longer in the picture so no matter how angry you are at them, they don’t care. So you can wake up hating them for what they did every day and you can live your life feeling closed off because what this one person did, but you’re only doing more harm to yourself. What has been said and done has been said and done. I feel like I could have done a hundred things differently, but I can’t go back in time so instead of projecting the true anger of having allowed your partner to do xyz onto them energetically, take back your power and realize that the only person you’re truly angry at is yourself. And when you fall into the acceptance of that idea, you’ll come to realize that underneath all that anger is actually mounds and heaps of sadness. So find the grace to be nice to yourself today if you feel like you allowed yourself to be treated like shit in the past. You deserve to forgive yourself.

Nobody is going to be able to fully show up for you 24/7

I would find myself harboring so much resentment for wishing my partner had done a million things differently especially in the times that I needed him the most. I had expectations and even though I would dictate my needs like 123 and abc, he still wouldn’t get it right sometimes. And the less my needs were met, the more I expected him to get it right and ultimately all I was doing was setting myself and ourselves up for failure with an “expectation hangover”. The solution is being able to come to terms with the fact that people will show up to the best of their ability and a failure to give you what you need says everything about them and nothing about you. Now, a very important side note to keep in mind is that this is assuming you are confident that your needs and wants have been communicated in various styles and you have been open and articulate every time. The pattern is what you see and that is all you’re going to get once you notice that no real change is being made. Expecting your partner to be a certain way all the time is unfair to you and them, so accept the fact that what you need the most is what you need to be responsible for with yourself within yourself.

Differences don’t matter as long as there is open, honest, and vulnerable communication

It was never about always agreeing and being on the same page per se, but more of finding a way to harmoniously agree to disagree where both can hold different opinions but still feel validated. Nobody cares about being right. That’s all the ego. Ultimately what we really need is to feel understood, heard, seen, and validated. It sucks when you know that you’ve been vulnerable to the core and still have only gotten pushback and defensiveness, but remember that someone’s failure to understand you had nothing to do with your worthiness and everything to do with that other person’s internal landscape of emotional awareness. Everyone deserves a chance to be understood even if their point sounds silly and insignificant to you.

The more you took things personally, the more you secretly were agreeing to what your partner was saying

Hear me out because it’s not about being wrong or right. I’ve really had to take a couple punches at my ego to wrap my head around this one, but if you really really stop to self-reflect and analyze your reaction to recurring instances or themes in your relationship, you come to realize that even though your partner may have been a jerk in the way they said and did things, the truth behind your reactions was the fact that they most likely were shining light on the parts of you that you were in denial about. The truth stings. Nobody wants to hear hard truths, and especially not if they aren’t communicated with compassion and delicacy. But it brings huge revelation in terms of your growth to accept your own shortcomings that were being mirrored back to you from someone you loved and cared about.

No matter how fucked up, toxic, or abusive the relationship was, you also played a part

I saved the best for last because this is the most pungent of truths. This is not about pointing the finger at anyone, but more of an act of awareness and maturity towards yourself for taking ownership of your side of the lane. This is not an invitation to self-loathe or self-destruct, but more of a gentle whack in the face of what still needs some TLC within you. And the more you detach from creating narratives about yourself based on the things that have happened in your life, the more you realize you can live in peace. Yes, you may have made a not so great decision in the past but fuck it, life goes on and nobody died from heartbreak. It sucks but you’ll be fine. And even though I wrote a book about that, I still can’t figure out how to mend my heart this time around, so until then we’re in this together.

Now go fall madly in love. (Joking. You know what I mean)

I love you,

MS