Breaking cycles

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Have you ever found yourself chasing an insatiable desire that does nothing but feed your distress and disrupt your peace even though deep down inside all you want is true love? Well, been there done that so if you feel me, please read along.

They say we are all here on one mission- love. To love, give love, and be loved. So why is it that most of the time it feels like all that overbears are chaos and heartbreak? At least that has been my experience in my romantic relationships, and the most saddening irony is that my whole life all I’ve been in a hopeless romantic who innocently believes in love. A true, never-ending love.

We all have different pre-determined paths beautifully drawn out for us and no matter how dedicated we are to our personal development journey, shit is still bound to happen. Not because we deserve it or because we attract it, but because it has been chosen to be a part of our journey to teach us a soul lesson. And sometimes the same scenario may repeat itself to reinforce a lesson that needs to be integrated even deeper. But it’s hard. Really damn hard. Not hard to integrate or acknowledge a lesson on an intellectual level, per se but to wholly and fully accept the reality of things. And that is where all our truth resides.

We fall in love madly and deeply. We melt into life-changing lovemaking and passion. We share lives. We share daily routines. We share our fears and deepest vulnerabilities. We support and give and fight and forgive and make up and make future plans. And then? It all suddenly goes down the drain in the blink of an eye. So what does this mean? Did we see it along and just ignore it? Did delay the inevitable out of a suffocating fear? Or were we the only one really in love and invested enough to nurture a romantic relationship? Honestly, who knows? It could be a mix of everything, but here’s one thing I’ve learned beyond the obvious lessons of walking away from the first sight of a red flag and of accepting that people will never change: love isn’t supposed to feel hard. Love isn’t supposed to feel forced and desperate and inconsistent and anxiety inducing. No. I’m sure all of us who have fallen in love with people who have turned our lives upside down really were in love just for the fucking heck of loving. But they weren’t. And my storyline which is now starting to make even more sense is that our job isn’t to fix childhood wounds by perpetuating the same dynamic in adulthood. Our job is to break the cycle by choosing something that resembles nothing of the pain and trauma that was felt in our childhood. And the whole idea of chasing, begging, forcing, desperately clinging on to, and fantasizing about is our inner child fighting so hard to meet a need in a similar adulthood scenario.

So to anyone who has been let down, lied to, manipulated, taken advantage of, ghosted, ignored, disrespected, or heartbroken by someone who you did nothing but fall in love with and dream about a happy relationship with, I feel you and I’m gonna scream to the fucking rooftop that we have the power to stop all of this from happening. Today the vicious cycles end. The self-destructive emotional patterns. The ups and down. The indecision. Every single thing that doesn’t feel good. Enough is enough. We deserve better. We deserve every inch of our desires and needs to be met. We deserve to be a priority. We deserve mature, consistent, honest, and open communication. We deserve emotional maturity. We deserve long-term commitment. We deserve to feel wanted, desired, loved, and respected. And we deserve a love that feels good to our heart and to that little child inside of us. We deserve a love that feels like peace. We deserve a love that feels like home- a safe and nurturing home.

I love you,

MS