A note of forgiveness and release

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If you know for a fact you’re so ready to move on and let go of something, but still occasionally find yourself getting caught up on the lingering anger and pain associated with a past experience or person, please read along.

They say forgiveness is an act of self-love and self-care- that one can forgive without the words “I’m sorry”. That we have full control over the moment we decide to actually let something go. It’s way way easier said than done. Yes, let’s release the burden and move on peacefully with our lives but god damn it, it gets so fucking hard. I know it’s not impossible because I have let go of way more hurtful things in the past that genuinely have no effect over me today, but lately it just feels so annoyingly impossible with other things. It’s like how one does one just undo the pain? How can one let go of heartbreak so lightly? What do you do with all those moments and the passion and love and smiles and broken promises and unfulfilled expectations and the hundred thousand number of things you wanted to do with this person who you thought would be the one? In a not-so triggered state, I would tell myself “You know what, it’s okay to feel your feels but please commit to releasing the burden of this pain. Release all the fucking energetic ties you may still have with this person”. But, for now I’m going to ride this emotion and release all the built up tension waiting to shout itself to the rooftop:

You said you loved me, but how on earth was I supposed to believe you when I knew deep down inside you were probably only in love with me for maybe 2 days over the span of 547 days. It feels like you never genuinely loved me or even was remotely in love with me. How the fuck is love lying, betrayal, anger, deceit, distance, jealousy, yelling, ungratefulness, disrespect, or belittling? Why? Why? Why? Yes, I am way more over you than I was months ago, but fuck certain things still hurt. I hate that you kept coming back and that I kept falling for you even though I knew it was a horrible idea every single time. But I loved you despite it all and I desperately convinced myself that somehow things would change and consistently get better, but I was only fooling myself and my already aching heart. I hate that you disrespected every single boundary I set and that maybe my boundaries were pretty loose to begin with because it seemed that I wanted you and would put up with it all just to be with you. I remember that time we were on the balcony and I told you “Promise me that if things don’t work out, we will never resent each other”. You had told me “It would never be like that between us”. But you were wrong, and I fucking hate that. I hate that it feels like I almost foresaw this predetermined ending before anything had even started. I thought it was my fear speaking and messing with my head, but it was my intuition guiding me all along. And I ignored it every step of the way.

I wish you would have been more honest from day 1. I wish you would have been more receptive to my emotional needs and the general notion of emotional intimacy. I wish you would have understood my burning desire to connect with you deeper and way beyond what we did underneath the sheets. I wish you would have meant it when you said you were sorry and I wish you wouldn’t have done all those hurtful things in the first place. I wish I didn’t feel the need to protect myself and my heart with my shield of ego. I wish our egos would not have clashed every single damn time. I wish I would have truly walked away once and for all instead of giving in time after time. I wish you would have appreciated me and that you would have been grateful for it all. I wish you would have been sweeter and gentler. I wish you would have opened your heart a little more. I wish you would have dropped your godforsaken ego once and for fucking all and just leaned in to love and vulnerability for real. I wish you didn’t feel the need to prove yourself by bringing me down. I wish you didn’t give me a hundred reasons to mistrust you. I wish you would have held me longer and tried harder. I wish you would have been more present. I wish you would have made me feel seen and heard and been there for me when I needed you most. I wish you would have valued and cherished this relationship before it was too late.

And now that I let that out, here’s what I’ll say in my more expansive state:

Thank you. I loved you and will always love. Thank you because thanks to you and this relationship not working out, you led me back to myself and reminded me of my worth. I am over you, and I will never ever entertain the idea of another me and you. I know that for a fact. But I am sorry for all the arguments. I’m sorry for the misunderstandings and all those unnecessary moments of distance and silence. I’m sorry for not accepting that you were never gonna change and for not having the balls to walk away earlier on. I’m sorry we didn’t work out. I’m sorry you weren’t the one. I’m sorry it felt that every discussion felt like an eternal battlefield of ego. I’m sorry that completely removing you out of my life became the only way to finally cut cords with you and all that toxicity and unhealthy dynamics. Thank you. You redirected me back to my own inner peace.

I hope you learn to love yourself and give someone love from that space one day.

I really hope you felt how deeply I loved you- both of you. Thank you.

I love you,

MS